new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
