M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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