So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
