Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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