Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
