she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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