happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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