goodnight i made you a song goodbye
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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