I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
