My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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