mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
