Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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