I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
