I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
