If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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