Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
