Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
