there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
