peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
