I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
