I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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