i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
