I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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