dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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