if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
