Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
