I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
