id be glad to
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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