I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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