Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
