my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
