I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
soo... how was my night?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
