Welp...herpes.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
