two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
