would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.