so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
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We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
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Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.