I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
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I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.