Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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