Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
