he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
