i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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