found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
