I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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