On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
