I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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