i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
