If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
