can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Also, beer. Big fan.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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