My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
