i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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