go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
