Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
