The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
