3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
