tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize