he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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