He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
