At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dear god my vagina.
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