her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
