and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Acid is not a monday night drug
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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