absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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