OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
