Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
