He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
